I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
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A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…