Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

*serious situation*

My brain:

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

Care for your back

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot