I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
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Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Who chose this font
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.