Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers