Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

they split up moments later

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

😭😭😭

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?