I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
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Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
I feel seen
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
North and South
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.