I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
