I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
