I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
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-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?