I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
