I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
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[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Every time my phone rings
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
opening twitter today
When did white people become such fucking pussies?