I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
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One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Was it something I said?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
TODAY
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My life in a nutshell
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
“What?”
– Jude
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.