The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
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No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”