I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
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You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
me before I type out affect or effect
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!