I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
You Might Also Like
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
quarantine day 3
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?