I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
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If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.