I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
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Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
classic mixup
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation