I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
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I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
The Compass
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.