I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
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While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
That’s a good costume, I hope.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Oh hi lol
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”