I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
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if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
next question.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.