I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
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*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
nyc:
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.