Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

the clam before the storm

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no