I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Hang in there buddy
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
