I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
