Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

My whole life was a lie.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie