Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

LOL

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.