Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

Strangers have the best candy.

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

This kid will have a bright future.

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.