I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
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[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
This week’s mood.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My time has come.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”