I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
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I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
what the hell girl, sure
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Investing in beetcoin
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual