I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
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IT’S-A ME,
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Buying a well is money well spent.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?