Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

*mops up wine with cat*

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY