“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
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What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
how much does a mortician urn in a year