Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

Well well well…

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop