“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
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at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
We’re all getting idioter.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.