Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

my name if I was in the mob

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

I am crying