I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
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uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
what’s the point then??
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?