I just love that new Pope smell.
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[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!