I just love that new Pope smell.
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4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
just got my engagement photos
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.