Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

#oldknees

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”