I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
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Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…