I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
You Might Also Like
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.