Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

I have so many questions.

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*