I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
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it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.