I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

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[Inn fight]

Drunk guy: you call those sunflowers?!? ‘Tis a pitiful rendering

Van Gogh: *turns to innkeeper* hold my ear


Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse


Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.


cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly


I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.


Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?


*thinks happy thoughts*

*throws pixie dust in your eyes*

*flies off with all your money*


I hate when dates are just talk about boring work stuff like passwords and guard rotations at the research facility you work at


Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.


I hope the guy who named the “walkie talkie” called his home phone “standie talkie” and his toilet “sittie shitty”.