Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

these two trucks have the same bed length

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.