I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
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The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
yeah no that’s fair
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
