I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
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[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
🤣🤣🤣
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again