Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

This meal prepping shit easy

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry