Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

This story is comedy gold 😂

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?