@illTortuga

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

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@IfTonyTweeted

If the hackers that stole all those Yahoo passwords could tell me what mine is I’d appreciate it. I’ve been locked out for about 4 years now

@JDBooie

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

@DillDoes

*walking in forest*
*tree falls and makes a loud noise*
WOAH
*tree gets up*
*tree pull a knife on me*
“You didn’t hear SHIT”
*tree runs off*

@ginnyhogan_

someone suggested riding a bike during the pandemic wasn’t safe, as if I wasn’t obviously planning on wearing a condom

@envydatropic

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

@NOTVIKING

date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature

me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features

@brynnester

So here I am, dressed as an 18th century Nun, watching Bruce Willis movies. Old habits, die hard

@jwoodham

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

@ericsshadow

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”