I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
You Might Also Like
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Its true…
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
With a text.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.