Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

Husband of the year 😂

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.