I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
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[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
☺️
Spider-cat: No One Home
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.