@JillianKarger

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

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@Zwolf666

Stephen Hawking’s worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.

@garrydavenport

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

@AmishPornStar1

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

@mulliganstewed

As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don’t all have the same accent, I’m probably going to get fired from storytime.

@truegritrumble

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

@rockymomax

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

@vladchoc

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

@JohnLyonTweets

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

@RickAaron

I took 1000 photos of water vapor & uploaded them to the Cloud. Now we wait.

@GabbbarSingh

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.