Stephen Hawking’s worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
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“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don’t all have the same accent, I’m probably going to get fired from storytime.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I took 1000 photos of water vapor & uploaded them to the Cloud. Now we wait.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.