*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
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You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”