I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
You Might Also Like
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing