Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor