Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

i think both sides are to blame here

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.