Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#MeanwhileInCanada

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

Is this you?

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century