Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?