Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot