I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
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Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I’d hang this in my house.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
me when the borders lift
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
huge if true: the moon