I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
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Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
is he marrying that labradoodle
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)