I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
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[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
