I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
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The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Life hack
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend