I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
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Pikachu found the lost joint
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
This is a true ally.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.