I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.