I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.
You Might Also Like
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!