I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
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“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
hello pervert is such a strong opener
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
