Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

Flowers bee like

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

Still a very good boi….

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

🤣🤣

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.