‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
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No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows