I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
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The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga