I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
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In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Life is a suicide mission.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
i’m laughing very hard in real life
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit