I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
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I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Mission: Impossible
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
where’s Godzilla when we need him